26 April 2025
NaPoWriMo 2025 (part VIII)
13 December 2023
My love is the ocean
This feeling is too big.
I curl up under the blankets, a cup of tea in my hand, the thrum of rain on the window, and I try to calm the storm that flutters in my chest.
I can't begin to name this thing, this mass that unfurls its tendrils, creeping from my lungs to coil around my heart and stomach and up into my brain. Is it love? Is it obsession? Is it infatuation? All I know is the tv static mimics the tinnitus in my ears, and I so desperately want to drown out all the noise and focus, but the thing won't let me.
There are many things that draw out this feeling, and enigmatic cannibals falling helplessly in love shouldn't be one of them. I cannot begin to control where this desperation comes from, what drives the tingling of my fingers and the tears spilling from my eyes.
Special interest. Hyperfixation. My jumbled autistic brain reaching out for connections and finding that people carved into roses, blood on snow, and shy glances between psychopaths is just the thing to send my heart racing.
Is this a reflection of me? Do I long for love, and fear it, in the way a killer longs for blood on his hands and cold air in his lungs? Do I see my own broken, confused heart and allow it to fill with the love that they share?
Or is it just the soaring strings and bright colours, the tender hands, and poetic speeches that grip me and hold me under. They could speak of anything, and I would listen, and take it as gospel, these beautiful, damaged men and their heart-breaking journey.
Maybe all I'm really searching for is that feeling, that's too big. I don't want to contain it. I want my love to burst forth, spilling from the edges of my soul, and let all the people know that this is for them. This is for you. It has always been for you.
I step tentatively into this ocean of my love, trailing my fingers over waves of emotion. There are sandcastles on the shore of my mind, each one dedicated to a friend, a lover, and if the storm of my love grows, I will destroy you all. So I caress you, gently, an incoming tide, and you feel the cool touch, a promise of what could be. This feeling is too big for me to let out. So I settle for their love, their storm, that grows and rages, and breaks them upon the shore, and I dream of the day I will be brave enough for my own storm.